An Idiot in Marriage by David Jester

Author:David Jester
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Skyhorse Publishing
Published: 2017-06-08T04:00:00+00:00

The presents didn’t stop. As well as headless, bodiless, and other limb-less mice, she also left a few butchered birds on our doorstep. I warned her time and time again, but nothing I said stuck, and she continued to kill defenseless animals. The only other option was to lock her in the house—that would stop her from roaming the yard freely at night and from reducing the animal population of the entire county. Our next-door neighbor had recently bought two very cute little rabbits and I had images of waking up one morning to find them dead at my front door—Pebbles with a puncture wound to the neck, Fluffy’s white fur dyed crimson red. That was an image that neither I nor the neighbor’s children would be able to live with.

Lizzie was right about Ben. He did seem to like her. I wasn’t sure that she felt the same way, as she seemed to spend half the time running away from him and half the time hiding. But Ben thought she was playing, and it was fun to watch his little pudgy legs waddle around the house and listen to his random screams as he found her, lost her, and chased after her. If not for Ben, and if not for the fact that she was a sweet cat, her “presents” would have been enough for me to kick her out of the house and stop her from entering again.

Instead, locking her in seemed like the best idea. Lizzie was against it, though. She said it was barbaric.

“Animals should be allowed to run free,” she argued.

“I agree,” I told her, looking rather smug. “And that’s exactly why I’m doing it.” I was convinced that I was doing my bit for the world, that I was saving all the poor little birds and mice and thus preserving the ecosystem of our home. As far as I was concerned, this made up for not recycling, something I’d never been able to get a grip on. Some bins are for one plastic, but not another, some are for paper, some are for cardboard; I get an impending sense of doom every time I drink a bottle of water, knowing that when I finish it, I’ll have a conundrum on my hands.

It would also make up for the time I accidentally decimated our neighbor’s flower bed and exacerbated their child’s asthma. The box of weed killer didn’t say anything about not using it on a windy day.

It seemed that whenever I tried to do something good, I always managed to do something bad, or to make life incredibly difficult for myself. When I gave some of my old books to the local school, I didn’t realize that Matthew had crossed out all of the archaic curse words in one of them and replaced them with something modern before using his doodling skills to turn an illustrated edition of Great Expectations into the Kama Sutra. When I helped an old lady cross the road, I ended up being roped into a full day of shopping with her.

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